Born on June 12. 1967, it was overwhelmingly apparent
that Mark Unger was destined for great things. As he was delivered,
Mark took a waist-high half-volley of the placenta into the back corner
of a distant waste can evoking gasps of shock and astonishment from
the delivering physician and assisting staff. From then on, soccer game
became a passion, exceeded only by Mark's humility and good looks.
At age two, Mark showed signs of promise one day while
playing soccer in his playpen. He placed a powerful strike past two
rockem-sockem robots and into the lower far corner of the Speak-and
Spell. He then celebrated by removing his Speed Racer t-shirt and launching
it out of the playing arena and onto the living room floor.
Born in poverty in the small farming township of Towson,
Maryland, Mark had to grow up fast. He quickly learned to parlay his
fame from Catholic league dominance in the game of soccer into a lucrative
prostitution enterprise. This pimping enterprise was truly leading edge
in that it not only focused on revenue growth, but also provided his
bitches with full medical, dental, life insurance and 401k. Later in
life these services would become the inspiration for Mark to someday
dominate the insurance industry. These financial accomplishments helped
provide his entire family with security and happiness, even to this
day.
After years of playing the game and amassing in vast
fortune in ho's, and pimping, Mark spent a year in Tibet to ponder his
existential purpose in life and to gain some clarity from the Dali lama.
They used to play golf together. Unger recalls, "Big hitter, the
lama. I still remember the thing he said to me after I caddied for him
on day. I asked him for a little something for the effort, and he told
me, "Unga galoonga Ungagoolungaloonga". Which translates:
"there will be no money for you, but upon your deathbed, you will
achieve complete consciousness"." So he's got that going for
him, which is nice.
After spending the next several years playing soccer
throughout Europe, Unger finally landed with Newcastle United. However,
during his time in England, Mark found another vocation that probably
kept him from worldwide recognition as a footballer. Mark's old friend
back in the states, a goalkeeper, (who will remain anonymous), was stricken
with impotence. Mark spent all of his free time working with physicians,
chemists, and alternative medicine professionals through out the world
to try to find a cure for his friend, the goalkeeper, (who will remain
anonymous). This prevented Unger from focusing on his game as he felt
now that he had a higher calling.
Unable to reach the first eleven after three years, Mark
left Newcastle and returned home to Towson amidst much fanfare and celebration.
He received the key to the city, was named Most Eligible Bachelor, and
made the coveted GQ's best dressed issue.
Unmoved by this acclaim, Mark continued to focus on the
development of a cure for his friend, the goalkeeper (who will remain
anonymous). After two years, Mark had completed development and got
FDA approval for his cure, Viagra. The friend, a goalkeeper (who will
remain anonymous) was delighted, invigorated, has recently married,
and is living a happy and fulfilled life.
Unger had still yet to achieve his most burning goal.
He aspired to bring a club team in Maryland from the dregs of lowly
competition to the ultimate pinnacle of success, the PPL championship.
He chose the Stingers and spent several years slowly and methodically
working with the existing talent, and ultimately developing new talent
to achieve such lofty goals. He even convinced his friend, a goalkeeper
(who will remain anonymous) to join in the effort.
During this process, Unger fell in love and lives with
his beautiful wife TJ. He fathered three beautiful boys whose good looks
and genius intellect are only exceeded by his own. His personal happiness
seemed to be the last missing ingredient in his quest to bring the championship
to the Stingers. Shortly after marrying the love of his life, (and the
acquisition of a Belgian striker) the championship dreams became a reality.
The Stingers are champions.
Ever humble, Unger asserts that the team, not him won
the championship, and that this great game is founded upon the principles
of unselfish and committed play. Despite his humility, we must recognize
Unger as the true hero. He celebrated with the team and remains a part
of the team to this day.
Now living a comfortable, and reclusive lifestyle in
a lavish villa in Historic Lutherville, Maryland, Unger quietly enjoys
his success with his family. The Gray Goose Vodka and Jager flow like
a mountain spring brook. Even in his understated elegance, Unger seems
restless. It is as if his greatness still struggles to be unleashed.
One can only imagine the future contributions to the
modern world waiting to be delivered by his genius. Whether it is continuing
to set the standard for footballers throughout the world, or medical
discoveries yet to be unearthed, or simply to provide the hardworking
men across this great country with the services of his top flight ho's,
Unger will surely continue to weave his brilliance into the fabric of
all of our lives.
Always one to carry a grudge, Roberts was cut from his
high school soccer team because of a perceived lack of height. Not to
be deterred, he worked hard, found Buddha, then lost Buddha, then continued
to play soccer. The game has taken him high and low, but it has taken
him to some fun places, most of which had takeout. Having watched the
game, played the game and coached the game, Roberts is especially astute
at picking out bad soccer, and loves to see it every week with his cohorts.
Whether it's digging the ball out of the net, launching
rocket passes at his teammates from 4 feet away, or just generally being
a salty bastard, there is nothing like a Thursday night at Perring.
Except for a Thursday night at Perring when you have a 6 o'clock game,
followed by 45 miller lites, a shower, and a trip to Towson and Souris'.
But other than that, there is nothing like a game with the Stingers.
Literally.
Bob has yet to write his bio...
Jamie is lost at sea...
(from Het Volk, translation courtesy of Yahoo.com)
BELGIAN SOCCER PLAYER HELPS STINGERS WIN THELONG-WANTED CHAMPIONSHIP!!
Last Thursday the Stingers won the championship by beating
their archrivals FTQ. It took the Stingers several years to win a championship
and they needed alittle help from a Belgian to do so. MikeVanschoorisse
is his name. A couple of years ago the Stingers' managers were scouting
Mike in Belgium. They immediately liked what they saw and arranged for
him to get married to an American to make it easier to live and play
in the United States. Last summer Mike finally arrived in the Baltimore
area and signed a contract to play for the Stingers. Nowhere in this
contract was mentioned that Mike couldn't be overweight. Although Mike
is a hard and tough defender by nature, his contract did mention the
fact that in this team he had to focus on offense and forget about defense.
And so he did. From insiders we know that Mike gets paid millions of
dollars, not in cash, but in bottles of Grey Goose and Jagermeister.
The rivals FTQ and Hopkins are thinking of filing a complaint against
the Stingers for playing with a non US citizen. All Mike had to comment
about this was " and what about the plastic surgeons". This
coming July, Mike will visit Belgium to have a meeting with King Albert
the second, and his wife Queen Paola. He will be crowned a knight and
will receive the honorary medal for courage and sportsmanship. Until
then his teammates can still call him Mike instead of Sir Mike. This
extraordinary story about the birth of a Belgian star in the USA touches
our whole country. Millions of Belgians are proud of Mike and now the
Stingers are one of the most popular teams in this country. All we can
add to this is GO STINGERS, GO SIR MIKE TO BE, Belgium loves you.
Wow, I had no clue they even knew I played for you guys.
What can be said about the lad from the heartland that
hasn't been said before?
He has been described by various celebrated individuals as everything
from
"Like a Rock" by Bob Seeger to "A Killer..." by
the late Freddy Mercury.
Beginning with his first season as a youth playing for the Berkeley
Roadrunners to his try-out with the Ferguson Junior High Comets and
on through his tenures with the Minot AFB Gunners (they of Kelly Flynn
fame), Howard County Rovers, Metro FC (as a player-manager) and the
Stingers, he has
displayed an innate sense of how to play the Fullback slot.
Able to play the game with both feet, Snead is constantly
being called upon to make an accurate pass out of the defensive third
of the field. While his
offensive capabilities are well known, it is his defensive skill set
which has
cast him into the spotlight. Described as "Buckner-ian" by
those in the know,
these capabilities, as well as his ability to communicate defensive
strategies,
are the two pillars which have supported him throughout his career.
One of the two remaining members of the Snap, Crackle
and Pop (Snead, Bob King and Ken Lumpkin) trio whose speed and defensive
acumen helped the Stingers maintain a constant level of excellence for
so many years, he is still able to keep up with all but the quickest
of forwards. His skillful use of the boards as an extra defender is
outshone only by those of his teammate King. Playing in his 8th year
as a Stinger he is expected to contribute to the teams' success for
many years to come.
In addition to his soccer prowess, Snead is a member
of the US Air Force
Reserve and has spent a number of his most productive years deployed
to far off places - Minot, ND; Bosnia; and Albania
Known throughout the league as the "sideways defender",
Joe has the uncanny ability to run at a 45 degree angle to the ground.
Literally. More cornering ability than a Countach, faster than a Lear
Jet, and later than a Comcast repairman, Joe is the defensive workhorse
for the Stingers. Always there with a saving tackle or a vicious two
footed tackle in the middle of the park, Joe is the guy you love to
play with, and hate to play against.
Single-handedly responsible for at least two fights (he
always plays hard, no matter the score), and always the first to back
you up in a scrape.
A newcomer to the Stingers, Joe fits in with a quick
sense of humor, and a hatred of everything non-Stinger. One of the most
important and revered members of the team (because of his liquor store),
Joe knows how to get the most out of Joe Pyles...ridicule him.
Ryan has yet to write his bio, but I will make one up
for him soon...
Clearly, the class of the team when it comes to a secondary career,
Chris "Dirk Diggler" Berkey shows his style and panache on
the field with his quick pullbacks and crushing tackles, often blocking
shots with body parts that shouldn't be mentioned anywhere. Quick with
a joke and a light of your smoke, Chris is fast on the draw with an
Orange Crush, and is quickly climbing the ranks of the Stingers due
to his gameday attitude, his ability to play through hangovers (which
is amazing, considering we play at night), and his general zest for
life. Role Model, Male Model, and Model Airplane enthusiast, Chris Berkey
lives in Parkvillle, Maryland, where he keeps an eye on his collection
of vintage British soccer apparel, including his West Ham United thong,
and his Crystal Palace leather mask.
Brilliance, personified. 'Nuff Said.
The counselor joined a bunch of guys to play soccer,
because he missed the chance to go out and knock the ball around, and
he wanted to meet some new folks in his new town. Little did he know
the abuse, shame, and torture that awaited him as a member of the Stingers.
Fortunately, he also takes as well as he gives, and that makes him a
hugely valuable member of the squad. The man responsible for the post-game
reward (it used to be the stuff to put out the flames, but we are playing
better now), Brent's role on the team is hugely important. Beer is good.
Very good.
An avid sailor and a brilliant litigator, Brent has recently
gotten one past the goalie, and hopefully, his career with Stingers
will only increase in magnitude, now that he has joined the "rest"
of the lads by planting a seed.
Clearly the brains on the team, when Steve isn't busy launching missiles
at bad guys, he's taking missiles to the stones as a defender for the
Stingers. A connoisseur of the slide tackle, Steve knows how to get
down and dirty, and was disappointed when Perring changed the turf,
as he REALLY liked the turf burn. In a scary way.
With a strong right foot, a sharpened elbow, and the
proclivity to kick anything that isn't the ball, Steve is perfectly
shaped for the Stingers defense. He currently lives in Forest Hill on
the "Sidewinder Ranch", and is looking for the next way to
exploit the weakness of the XBOX.