Volumes 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

Version 1

In 1992, a young lad came to St Mary’s College to play soccer. No one is sure why. Primarily because he was from England. Limey, as he is affectionately known, brought many things with him to Fisher Road, but the most important of which was the English humor magazine, VIZ.

VIZ is known for its complete and utter vulgarity. Imagine MAD magazine, just with a lot more cursing and nudity.

I, of course, completely fell in love with VIZ.

There is a section at the end of every VIZ, called Roger’s Profanisaurus, which chronicles the most up-to-date and vogue ways of using the English language to describe life, alcohol, women, and farting. Simply put, it is a cursing dictionary. Again, I am completely in love…

So, for my friends, I took it upon myself to purchase the printed dictionary. To say that I have been pissing myself laughing over the last 5 days is an understatement. However, I can’t keep the laughter to myself. Every Tuesday, I will give you two entries in the dictionary, including a usage, definition, and example.

For your information, the British word for vagina is fanny…just to keep things straight.

Enjoy…

1) G-Rope N. A G-string for fat girls. “That girl is huge. I can’t wait to get that G-Rope on my floor.” -M. Townsend

2) Wizard’s Sleeve N. A Clown’s pocket. A particularly capacious sausage wallet. “I can’t feel a thing, Mother Theresa. You must have a fanny like a wizard’s sleeve” –J. Lawson

3) Lumberjill N. A hatchet faced woman that fells one’s wood. “Look like RDB has hired nothing but lumberjills to work this week. Guess we’re off to the Trappe.” -J. Roberts

“It’s not how you pick your nose, it’s where you put the booger.” –Gallagher

Yes, another edition of abuse of the English language, by the English. What better way to put things than Gallagher. Life really is about what you make of it, and what you make of your green friends is entirely up to you.

So, without further ado, and without slagging off the lads too horribly, I bring you this week’s sampling of British cursing…

1) Breach The Hull…verb…to push one’s digit through inferior quality toilet tissue when wiping one’s arse.

“Day 82 and the men are getting restless. Squabbles are beginning and tempers are short. John Norton handed out the ship’s biscuits, but Mr Christian refused to eat, accusing him of breaching the hull and not washing his hands.”-from the log of the HMS Bounty, 1764.

2) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon…noun…ancient Chinese sexual position. Doggy Style with a woman so fugly that one can’t bring oneself to look her in the face.

3) Reverse Lawson (ok, the book had it as Doagan, but no one knows him)…Noun…A chocolate hostage released into the toilet whilst sitting the wrong way, leaving a breathtaking skid mark vista for the next unfortunate lady patron of the toilet.

Version 3
This week’s edition is dedicated to one Drew Hoffman. Truly a man of the arts. A man who can not be described with a mere sentence, or even a weak paragraph. This man has brought us the joy of Slow karate, the train, and many other countless hits. Therefore, TV will be a reflection of what Drew means to the world, his friends, and more importantly, the future of our nation.

Porn Vortex-Noun. A whirling fifth dimension where time has no meaning, encountered when looking for left-handed websites on the internet. One could fall into a porn vertex and emerge ten minutes later to discover that three days have elapsed.

clown’s pie-Noun. A very, very wet clodge. “finding ourselves alone in the shooting lodge at Balmoral, Her Majesty bade me descend to her ladygarden. After fifty years of widowhood, I found her to be considerably aroused. It was like being hit in the face with a clown’s pie.” (From the Memoirs of Queen Victoria’s Ghillie, by John Brown).

balls like bat’s wings. Medic. Descriptive of deflated, leathery testicles, often accompanied by insanity, blindness and stunted growth. Knackers that have been wanked flat.

Volume 4
Today’s edition is dedicated to the celebration of yesterday’s “holiday”, Valentine’s Day. Nothing more romantic and fun than a forced trip to the florist and the chocolate shop. Really…so, with that in mind, here are some really offensive items straight from our friends across the pond…

1). Captain Hogseye Noun. Curly bearded seafarer with a shiny, bald head who trawls in a cod cove. And spits a lot.

2). Fetching off. Verb. The gentle art of tipping one’s concrete into a lady’s knicker drawer while she is out of the room.

3). Yachting. Noun. The stirring sight of a dog in full sail, tacking its way across the living room carpet attempting to remove the barnacles from its keel.

Volume 5

Baltimore County schools are 2 hours late today. That’s why Gibbons is closed. Don’t ask. I all know is that I get to watch arsenal and Sheffield United play their FA Cup Replay. As of press time, it’s 0-0. United have had the better of play…

On with the naughty british words…

1. Frankenstein’s Feet. Noun. The illusion of having someone else’s feet stitched onto one’s legs caused by serrated indentations on the ankles left by overly tight socks.

2. spill one’s beans on the worktop. Verb. To Ice a lady’s buns. To lob ropes.

3. baggage handler’s arm, cock like a. Sim. To have a chaffed chap due to excessive self discipline or intercourse. From the similarity to injuries suffered by airport baggage handlers as they poke their forearms through the zips of partly opened suitcases feeling for cigarettes, booze, cameras, etc.

BONUS---An oldie, but a goodie…

Fisherman’s Jumper. Noun. A damp, overly hairy clopper, smelling not too dissimilar to a deep sea captain’s wool sweater after hauling in a net full of haddock. “Having been accustomed all my life to the ideals of feminine nakedness gleaned from classical antiquities, I was somewhat taken aback on my wedding night to find that my young bride had a right old fisherman’s jumper between her legs.” Charles, Prince of Wales

Volume 6

Work has been a bitch this week, so I apologize for the lateness of our favorite dictionary. However, I promise that the wait is certainly going to be worth it…

Without further ado…

Gandhi’s Flip Flop. Noun. Descriptive of the dryness of a nun’s vagina.

Mexican lipstick. Noun. The embarrassing Thompson’s Tide marks often found after eating out with a lady who was up on blocks.

Standing on the fireman’s hose. Sim. At the conclusion of the evening’s fourth or fifth round of Jesuit boxing, a complete failure to release jaff. An Air horn.

Pushing a marshmallow into a moneybox. Verb. The first act of an act of lovemaking which the gentleman’s spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

Ugly Taxi. Noun. A vehicle which mysteriously delivers an ugly bird into one’s bed on a Saturday morning.

Deborah Norville...
Yes, I got to deal with her this week, because of the stupid Brian Nichols debacle. So again, the TV is late. Sorry lads. Real work just got in the way. Regardless, here is a bit of fun for you going into the best day of the year (NCAA THURSDAY!)

Double Dragback. Noun. 1. An impressive football trick as perfected by the likes of David Ginola. 2. A painful wanking accident whereby an inexperienced mastubatrix loses rhythm, resulting in one downward stroke being immediately followed by another, thus causing severe banjo trauma. Causes and effect similar to getting tossed off by Ringo Starr.

Lamborghini. Noun. A cunt-tache. A small, pointless tufty outcrop of pubage remaining on a shaven haven. A Jazz fanny.

Rantallion. (18th Cent) Noun. One who’s shot pouch is longer than the barrel of his fouling piece.

Thesbian. Noun. A grumbleflick actress who likes girls on film, but is not a tennis fan in real life.

Tip your concrete. Verb. A sophisticated term for ejaculation when Cough Your Filthy Yoghurt seems inappropriate.

Bonus! For Lawson!

Yobble. Verb. To dump somewhere other than a toilet, usually for the amusement of others, eg, onto a cow from a tree.